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Archive for the ‘Humour’ Category

Far above rubies?

Proverbs-31-womanCalah Alexander says she’d rather blog than be the Proverbs 31 wife:

I am still not even close to being the Proverbs 31 wife. Not. Even. Close.

Let’s just look at this for a second. First, I don’t even know what flax is or where to get wool, and my one sewing adventure was one of the most catastrophic attempts at domesticity in my married life. So much so that the dress I got 2/3 of the way through is packed away with pins still stuck through it, probably destined to rot for perpetuity. I do totally secure provisions from afar, but that’s because afar is the location of the nearest Trader Joe’s. Also, does Amazon count as “afar?” I definitely never ever rise while it’s still night, if I can help it. Mostly the Ogre takes the night shifts with the baby. I only get up when the kids are clambering all over me or when Lincoln’s diaper is on the verge of a meltdown. And my whole goal in life right now is to dim my lamp at night, not to keep it undimmed. As far as laughing at the days to come, well…let’s be serious for a minute. The days to come almost definitely contain an apocalypse of some sort. Whether it’s zombies, North Korea, or some mutation of the Spanish Flu, we’re all doomed, and I don’t think that’s terribly funny. It does, however, make for excellent fiction and television.

Seriously, who is this lady? Doesn’t she get tired? Is her secret that those fields she bought are full of coffee beans? Does she eat the beans right out of the ground? I bet you anything she’s either totally mastered NFP or is maybe not using licit methods of family planning, because ain’t no way this lady is having a baby every two years. Otherwise it would say, “she stops every hour and a half to nurse the suckling babe and change the toddler’s diapers, and in the first trimester and the third she only leaves the couch to vomit.” And it doesn’t say that.

I know I should aspire to be like this woman. I want to aspire to be like this woman, sort of. Except I read this and think, “she doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun. When does she read to her kids? When does she go out with the girls and have martinis? For crap’s sake, when does she blog?”

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teens_and_parents_1o9rj

Our admin person has posted these on our office’s daily status update. They made me laugh, so I thought I’d share.

Rules of This Household
1. If you are not here for dinner, too bad. This is not a fast-food place where the cook is on duty at all times. The cook works full time and does not need a second job.

2. If you make a mess, clean it up. The dishwasher is open 24 hours a day to service you as are the vacuum, broom, and sponge. Please help them to help you by using them. If you need assistance, ask the cook – she will be happy to give you training on any of the equipment.

3. The taxi service for this household is not on call 24 hours. You must make reservations at least 12 hours in advance. You have two good legs, skateboards, and bikes that are somewhat operational; one of you has a vehicle that works. Use them. By the way, skateboards are to be used on the outside of this house and are never to be used in the living room just because the landing is softer when you fall.

4. We are not a bank and you have no collateral to offer us. Face it: We own everything you have and I have receipts to prove it, so don’t ask us for loans. Get jobs! We have them. Try it and you might like it (not so much the work as the money).

5. Curfew is negotiable, but try not to be late too often because it could go either way.

6. Tell us where you are going. GOOD GRIEF! I am way older than you, and I still tell my mother where I am going when I am at her house. Leave us a note or try to form words describing where you are going while we are in the room with you. Honestly, we don’t bite unless provoked.

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Atheists don’t have no songs

H/T Ironic Catholic

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H/T to Catholic Memes.

What; no St Peter Chanel with an axe buried in his skull? No John the Baptist with his head on a platter?

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A marriage made in heaven?

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.  While anxiously waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?

When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.

St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.

The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months.

While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”

Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled. “Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.

“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.

“OH, come ON!!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer???”

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H/T to Mark Shea, whose commentary is below the video clip:

What do we mean by “kill” for instance? It’s sooo complicated that I don’t even know if we can define it? Is it really “killing” if the poor are a threat to peaceful and decent law-abiding citizens? Isn’t it self defense to kill these sources of Terror? And isn’t killing in self-defense just? And even if some Pharisees are going to get all self-righteous when brave Americans are dying at the hands of poor people, isn’t it a fact that killing the poor *works*? Well, excuse me for living, but I’m not going to split hairs about “murder” in some abstract theologian’s Ivory Tower when a poor person might possibly be thinking of doing something bad in several years. I say kill the poor *now* before they commit the crime I am fearful about. The fears of decent people like me are sufficient grounds for killing strangers on the off chance it will keep me safe. It’s not murder. It’s enhanced metabolic reduction.

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An excerpt from Simcha Fisher’s post on ‘Fisher Spirituality

Prayer Before Mass

Almighty God, as we approach your altar to participate in the divine sacrifice of your only-begotten Son, we wonder what we think we are doing here. We are jerks. We are incredible hypocrites. We spent the morning primping in front of the mirror, shrieking at the kids, and pouting at our husbands. We approach you with fear and trembling, and wonder if there’s any possible way we could be reconciled to you in your goodness and your glory.

Then we behold the crucifix; and we say, “Oh.”

I mean,

Amen.

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On a lighter note, Mark Shea has posted an apocalyptic prediction he received through email, with his own commentary. Flesh eaters, lemming people, and astral unfolding! Enjoy!

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How does the New Zealand version of the famous song sound when written in standard business gobbledygook? See the Write website for the results of their Christmas competition.

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Mark Oestreicher has been collecting the world’s worst nativity sets.

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